Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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