i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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