Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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