I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
