why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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