If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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