I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
