Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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