I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
