Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
