Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
