This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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