Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
