I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
