Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
