oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
