it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
