well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
