Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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