did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
