So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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