thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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