smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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