i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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