I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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