True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
