but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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