we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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