im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
