He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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