I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
