I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
