I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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