oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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