im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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