I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How drunk are you?
Completed.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
