Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
