Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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