I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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