im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
