He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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