I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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