I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
