I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
