we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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