I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
