i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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