i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
