How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dick very happy bro
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
