4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
