dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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