you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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